So keep the big picture at the forefront of your conversations.We suggest monthly or even weekly, you and your partner sit down and review your relationship. Fights can make or break a relationship. Step back and look at the overall mood of your togetherness. When you have some downtime together and are in a good place, say something like, “Hey, I’ve been wanting to talk with you about something, you think you’d be up for it?”The reality is that relationships are constantly being thrown out of balance. However, I was met with stonewalling.On that drive home the first thing I did was shout and scream about what had happened. This is NORMAL.So, handle it like this, “I don’t want to argue every example because I am sure there are reasons for why you did or said _______________. It means that you care enough about your relationship to work on it, and to put your time, energy and effort into healing after a fight. Fighting with your partner in a relationship is normal and can be healthy when done correctly. I knew I didn’t have a watch, so I could have checked on the time from somewhere else.I’ve learned that it’s wise to agree in advance to call a “timeout” or “press pause” before arguments begin. …I am fairly certain they don’t magically disappear. This is a critique (and is true); however, a criticism would be that this action makes me a selfish person (not true).A key principle to help with this is to use language to complain but don’t blame.Once my partner’s emotions had calmed I asked if she was okay to have a conversation about what had happened because I wanted to share with her some things I wanted to take responsibility for. You can understand one another better, strengthen your relationship, and discover a … If you can come to an agreement and work through the issue(s), then do it. She still needed to express those emotions and get them out of her system before she was able to communicate with me in a productive way, and I needed to create space for her to do that.Hard language starts with generic hyperbole like “You always…” or “Why do you never…” or “I knew that you would…” Soft language uses “I” statements and focuses on the actions that took place, how they made us feel, and what we want to happen.Basically, it’s about how well you can learn to fight.My partner and I now have an agreement that if either of us needs to call a timeout in an argument the other will respect the request. I was being accused of some things that weren’t right. This is important because you don’t want your relationship talks to be so draining that you avoid them in the future. Try to keep any of your negative talks short and to the point.Try to talk with your partner about this mentality. To help with this here are seven key steps to follow when you feel as if you’re descending into another one of those earth shattering fights:Learning to fight well is important because it can help bring up lots of hidden stuff that’s been lying dormant for years; it enables you to be really honest with each other, which helps you develop deeper levels of trust; and studies have shown that learning to fight well can even improve the intimacy in your relationship.This provided a new lens through which to see the situation. Remind him or her at the beginning of a relationship conversation that it is normal to have to make adjustments in how we behave and treat each other.Obviously, you may need to customize my suggestion, but the takeaway is to give one or two examples (not more), and then get back to your main issue. The Gottman Institute reported that they can predict with 94 percent accuracy how a discussion will end based on the language used to start it. Continue to center the conversation on the overarching pattern, because your point is that there is a pattern of x,y,z that upsets you, and you would like your partner to know and make a change. Know who are true and genuine – and keep them close. It doesn't make sense to throw a relationship away without giving it your all — especially if you're still in love and the other person is too. I knew she would be upset as I made the difficult call home, and yep, I was right. In the past I’ve attempted to call a timeout to create the space to calm down, but this has only made matters worse.Luckily, I had a one-hour drive home to work out what had happened and to get some perspective following our argument.
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