We had hammered Oxford’s tiddlywinkers only the week before, and there we were, off to hammer the Boche! This is, as they say, it.Edmund: Don’t forget your stick, Lieutenant.Edmund: My point exactly, George.Edmund: Yes, that’s right. We tell HQ that I’ve gone insane, and I’ll be invalided back to Blighty before you can say “Wibble” — a poor gormless idiot.Edmund: Yes — can’t think of any specific ones, myself, but…Edmund: All right, Baldrick — for old time’s sake.Edmund: Actually, not quite gone — he’s in the corner, bunging up the sink.Edmund: All right. Maybe it’s peace!George: Well, er, Jacko and the Badger bought it at the first Ypres front, unfortunately — quite a shock, that. (Darling enters, wearing helmet)Darling: Erm, not all that good, Blackadder — rather hoped I’d get through the whole show; go back to work at Pratt & Sons; keep wicket for the Croydon gentlemen; marry Doris… Made a note in my diary on my way here. (outside, they all line up as the shelling stops)(phone rings within Baldrick’s backpack, Edmund answers it)Baldrick: What is two plus two?Edmund: A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city, Wibble.Edmund: Unless I’m very much mistaken, soon we will at last be making the final Big Push — that one we’ve been so looking forward to all these years.Darling: (stands) No, sir, I don’t want to go into battle.Melchett: I see. A cunning and subtle one? Fire away, Baldrick.Edmund: Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn’t!Edmund: So every time I’ve drunk your coffee since, I have in fact been drinking hot mud…George: You know, I won’t half miss you chaps after the war.Edmund: No — we’ve noticed that.Baldrick: How did you guess, sir?George: Gosh, yes, I, I suppose I’m the only one of the Trinity Tiddlers still alive. Ready for the off, eh?Edmund: Think you can manage three *lumps*, Baldrick?George: Copped a packet at Galipoli with the Aussies — so had Drippy and Strangely Brown. I joined up straight away, sir. (Later, Edmund wears underpants on his head with two pencils up his nose)George: Well, yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.Baldrick: Well, I’m sure I could m–Baldrick: Still, I could add some milk this time — well, saliva…Edmund: This is a crisis. Sir?George: (enters) All the men present and correct, sir. I remember we heard on the first morning of the Somme when Titch and Mr Floppy got gassed back to Blighty.Edmund: Really, Baldrick? However, some historians and politicians have criticised it for presenting a critical view of the war, reinforcing the popular notion of "lions led by donkeys". (knocks down an entire line of model soldiers)Edmund: We certainly did, sir. Gah, what a day that was: myself and the rest of the fellows leapfrogging down to the Cambridge recruiting office and then playing tiddlywinks in the queue. !Baldrick: My mother told me never to trust men with beards, sir.Edmund: ’92, sir — Mboto Gorge.Edmund: Yes, sir — shortly to become fine bodies of men.Edmund: Cup of coffee, Darling?Edmund: Here to join us for the last waltz?George: Oh no, sir — wouldn’t want to face a machine gun without this!Melchett: George! Beep!Baldrick: Not easy, I’m afraid, Captain.Edmund: Yes, I think bugger-all might rather be more fun.Baldrick: Can I do my war poem?George: All right, so, what do we do now?Baldrick: Does that mean you’ll going over the top, now, sir?Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn’t it, sir?Baldrick: Do you remember the football match?
(outside, George salutes Melchett and Darling)George: So we are, in fact, going over. That is spooky!Darling: (frightened, salutes) Goodbye, sir.Edmund: Which of course makes all the difference.Melchett: Well, fine body of men you’ve got out there, Blackadder.Edmund: Yes, Baldrick, but you’ve never said “Wibble.” Now, ask me some simple questions.George: I don’t know, sir, but I read in the Times that they’d both been killed. A large crisis requires a large plan. We lived through it! We ran out of coffee thirteen months ago.George: Well, hurrah with highly polished brass knobs on!
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